Tuesday, September 10, 2013

I am a Runner. I Run.

Gosh do I fall prey to the habit of listening to the wiry, whining voices inside my head. I listen and I obey when it is what I want to hear, and all my natural strength for discernment has been subdued by exhaustion and worse, malaise.

And then I don't do the things that make me Me. And that malaise, it runs me over and I forget what I ever knew about real happiness, being drunk and full like any common lotus-eater. But far from happy and far from Me.

That is my excuse for letting so many beloved and good things just go by the wayside lately, that One Loud Wiry voice, so strong in times of change!

This is how the conversation with that voice went the other day, and this is how I remembered who I was and won:

Haven't run forever because no solid schedule means no solid schedule to fall back on. Kids need to go out, to do something, not be left alone.

Better spend the afternoon reading them books or working in the yard while they play. They need you, and it's hot out!

No. I need to run, I'll take them to that park I saw off the road and let them play while I run laps. Where are my running shorts?

ooh, they're really tight. You should not eat for a few days and then do this, you'll feel better when you starve off that belly flab first.

Well that ain't gonna happen. I need to run. Is the Garmin charged, even?

Yeah, it's charged, but you forgot you broke the strap last time you wore it and you haven't replaced it. There is so much, so much you need to be doing. Stay home this afternoon and order that part and a dozen other things you've been putting off.

No, I'll just hold it. I need to run. Gosh darn-it  Did I leave my shoes in the van? The van Obi took into the shop today?

Yup. Deal Breaker.

No. I'll just wear my old shoes.

The ones with the hole in the sole? 

Yes, they're fine, and it's  just a quick run.

But you left them out in the rain and now they're all mushy! You never do anything right!

I don't care if they're wet, I need to run. "In the car, kids, to the park!"

Arriving at the park, I realize it is on State Park Property, and you need to pay an entrance fee in an unattended box.

Well! You have no money, unprepared as usual! Just take them to go walk around Target and get a slushy.

No. I need to run, I'll write a check. Because I left the checkbook in the car by accident, but I actually always leave it in the car, you know, so I'm prepared. And stuff. "Entertain yourselves at this park, sweet ones! I'll be watching as I loop and loop and loop by you!"

Isaac is triple cute whether I run or not.

After several laps, only several minutes later, my foot looked like this:

Because the mulchy old running shoe was so wet it rubbed my foot raw. But those few laps felt so, so good!

Looks like it's all over, at least you got out here, go sit in the shade and read blogs off your phone while the kids play.

Nope. I'm doing it, that was too small a taste. I'll run barefoot! 

Well, yeah right! Half the park is a marsh and the other top has this lumpy, painful top:

So what. I'm doing it. The kids are having fun. I feel good.

And I ran and I ran and I ran until the sweat doubled my body weight, and cleansed all that yuckiness clogging me up inside.

My heart beat so hard that it sounded in my ears much louder than that silly voice. And for the first time in a while, I remembered Me, and was able to shout over all the apathy within:

I am a runner. I run.

ohmigosh, I'm soo pretty after a run!

And here's how the little booboo looks a few days later. 

Fortunately, vanity has never been a temptation and I look at that scarred badge of honor and am happy to be me.


  1. The hardest part of running is getting out the door. And I've never regretted a workout. But there have been plenty of times I've regretted not working out.

    Good for you, and your poor foot! you are brave :)

  2. You brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for the reminder to quiet those voices and do what makes me "me".

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  4. Oh...I hear that voice inside my head often! Unlike you, though, the conversation tends to be a bit more one-sided. And the "wait until a nicer - less humid - not raining - everything is all caught up - I fit into my shorts" side always wins. And I am only talking about a getting off the sofa to walk conversation!

    But at least I let that other said voice an opinion, right? ; )

    Good for you, my friend!

  5. LOOK at all those shells you are stepping on! There are so many!

  6. That's crazy. I just had this conversation with myself last night. And I thought- I know who this is. And I know why he wants me not to run. And you tipped your hand, fallen angel, and I'm going to run tomorrow as soon as I've fed my people breakfast.

    And I did! And it felt wonderful. I knew a priest once who maintained that for some people, exercise is their strongest form of prayer, and that it was a legitimate prayer. So it makes sense that we'd have to battle that inner voice so hard to get out the door.

  7. It's always good when the right voice wins! And yes, you are prety after you run. You are literally glowing! :)

  8. I know this conversation so well, and I'm so glad you shared yours - it is just the motivation I need to shut that voice up and get busy with my working out! Thanks!!!!!

  9. There should be a book, "Oh, the voices that go on inside my head." Thanks for the interesting dialogue between the two and your effort to show it through writing. Shows we are in charge and can motivate ourselves into our destiny.

  10. Oh, that voice. Man, do I know that voice. I often lose that conversation, but sometimes I win, and winning always feels good and losing always feels awful.

    So proud of you. And yes, you are beautiful after a run.

  11. It looks sooo very painful!

  12. Wow...I'm so impressed that you go running in the middle of the afternoon in FL in Sept! And, I love your writing and the way you articulate the inner struggle we all go through.


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